so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
