can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
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If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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