I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
