I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
