i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
