It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
