I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
