She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
