yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
