He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
