Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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