I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I supernannyed him into submission
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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