I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
