I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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