just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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