I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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