I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
