my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
