apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
