I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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