did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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