i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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