We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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