It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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