I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
