why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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