What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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