oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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