you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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