This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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