Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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