my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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