We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
