i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
