3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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