I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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