She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
