Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
