I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
