when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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