tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
