Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
