as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
