my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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