She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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