bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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