i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
