I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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