Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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