my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
