Where did you get a picture of my penis
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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