Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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