I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
