I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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