We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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