i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
